Reflections of my 30's.......
It's been a while since I've written. 5 months. I've had this blog written for a while but wanted to share on my birthday and today I am 40! Lately my mind has been full of thoughts from my 30's and reflecting on how we made it through.
My 30's were such a hard time in my life. Our children being born are the joy I have from being in my 30's. Living a lie is so exhausting and scary and unpredictable, but unfortunately the society we live in tells us to live that way. Keep the uncomfortable, messy and hard stuff hidden. Only speak and show the good things. I lived in constant fear of rejection for myself and for my family. Keeping secrets causes an anxiety that I hope no one ever has to endure.
I'm admitting something I've never told anyone- I believe part of me spent the last 10 years being bitter and upset with God as to why this was my cross to bear. I am a Christian and I love Jesus but I was mad. Everywhere I turned all I saw was carefree lives with no worries. We appeared that way too on the outside but I knew the truth. I knew the sad, depressing, messy truth of mental illness and I was determined to do whatever it took to protect myself and my family from the stigma that society has placed on an illness more common than heart disease. Keeping secrets causes problems all around. My secret tried to divide my marriage, it tried to ruin friendships and it tried to cause me to give up.
Around June of 2017, Sean and I had been in Sunday school regularly and I was in a bible study with a few ladies on Sunday afternoon. I remember laying in bed on a Sunday night and Sean was back at the farm working late. I started crying and told God that I was tired of the secrets and I told him I was dying inside. I cried hard that night. I admitted I had been bitter for too long and was ready to get better. 5 days later I shared this blog and with a blind faith shared the biggest secret of my life. I didn't know how it would end, but I knew I wasn't scared anymore. I knew my worth and I knew where it was found. Breaking the chains that held me captive was so freeing. I wasn't anxious everyday. I was strong and I was confident. I decided later that I didn't have a disability and this wouldn't be an excuse for me. Instead I have power. Power to make life and my family's life better and the power to turn my struggles into someone else's triumphs. I've kept that mindset for the past 14 months and for the most part I've been successful. I have an amazing therapist who I see regularly and has taught me so much about living free! Now don't get me wrong, there have been hills and valleys the last 14 months and at one point I wished I had just kept my secret. Good alway prevails.
Breaking the chains does come with a price. I've lost a few friends and I've been judged. I take it all in stride because like I said I know who determines my worth!
I don't think I would have ever hit publish without Sean's blessing. None of where I am today would be possible without him. He is loving, forgiving, constant, steadfast and true. We dated 7 years before we got married and I strongly believe we needed those 7 years to grow closer because God knew what was ahead for us. Had we only dated 2 years, we wouldn't be where we are today. It's not all good all the time. We have some really hard times but we love each other and that conquers all!
I'm looking forward to my 40's and living a true and authentic life with my family who loves me, supports me and fights for me. I excited to use my life, my struggles, my story and my experience to help other people live free and true lives. It took me 40 years, but I now know the purpose God has for me. All that time I spent bitter was just keeping that purpose from coming to fruition. It all makes sense to me now.
I am thankful I experienced brokenness because I am more compassionate, kinder and accepting. And I'm thankful that I am now whole and Sean, Calleigh and Sam can get the best part of me.
Here's to my 40's and a decade of sharing, growing, learning and being my true self!
Many blessings,
Susan❤️
My 30's were such a hard time in my life. Our children being born are the joy I have from being in my 30's. Living a lie is so exhausting and scary and unpredictable, but unfortunately the society we live in tells us to live that way. Keep the uncomfortable, messy and hard stuff hidden. Only speak and show the good things. I lived in constant fear of rejection for myself and for my family. Keeping secrets causes an anxiety that I hope no one ever has to endure.
I'm admitting something I've never told anyone- I believe part of me spent the last 10 years being bitter and upset with God as to why this was my cross to bear. I am a Christian and I love Jesus but I was mad. Everywhere I turned all I saw was carefree lives with no worries. We appeared that way too on the outside but I knew the truth. I knew the sad, depressing, messy truth of mental illness and I was determined to do whatever it took to protect myself and my family from the stigma that society has placed on an illness more common than heart disease. Keeping secrets causes problems all around. My secret tried to divide my marriage, it tried to ruin friendships and it tried to cause me to give up.
Around June of 2017, Sean and I had been in Sunday school regularly and I was in a bible study with a few ladies on Sunday afternoon. I remember laying in bed on a Sunday night and Sean was back at the farm working late. I started crying and told God that I was tired of the secrets and I told him I was dying inside. I cried hard that night. I admitted I had been bitter for too long and was ready to get better. 5 days later I shared this blog and with a blind faith shared the biggest secret of my life. I didn't know how it would end, but I knew I wasn't scared anymore. I knew my worth and I knew where it was found. Breaking the chains that held me captive was so freeing. I wasn't anxious everyday. I was strong and I was confident. I decided later that I didn't have a disability and this wouldn't be an excuse for me. Instead I have power. Power to make life and my family's life better and the power to turn my struggles into someone else's triumphs. I've kept that mindset for the past 14 months and for the most part I've been successful. I have an amazing therapist who I see regularly and has taught me so much about living free! Now don't get me wrong, there have been hills and valleys the last 14 months and at one point I wished I had just kept my secret. Good alway prevails.
Breaking the chains does come with a price. I've lost a few friends and I've been judged. I take it all in stride because like I said I know who determines my worth!
I don't think I would have ever hit publish without Sean's blessing. None of where I am today would be possible without him. He is loving, forgiving, constant, steadfast and true. We dated 7 years before we got married and I strongly believe we needed those 7 years to grow closer because God knew what was ahead for us. Had we only dated 2 years, we wouldn't be where we are today. It's not all good all the time. We have some really hard times but we love each other and that conquers all!
I'm looking forward to my 40's and living a true and authentic life with my family who loves me, supports me and fights for me. I excited to use my life, my struggles, my story and my experience to help other people live free and true lives. It took me 40 years, but I now know the purpose God has for me. All that time I spent bitter was just keeping that purpose from coming to fruition. It all makes sense to me now.
I am thankful I experienced brokenness because I am more compassionate, kinder and accepting. And I'm thankful that I am now whole and Sean, Calleigh and Sam can get the best part of me.
Here's to my 40's and a decade of sharing, growing, learning and being my true self!
Many blessings,
Susan❤️
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